Swapna Dutta, My Mother: Third Chapter (Addendum)

Tomorrow, Friday, 8 August 2025 (Bengali calendar: 22 Srabon 1432), the ritual rites for my Mother will be performed. Yesterday, I published the third chapter — The Pre-Śrāddha Chapter. Today, on the eve of the ceremony, I am sharing this piece as an Addendum to that chapter. Perhaps it could have been simply appended to the previous chapter. But I chose not to, for two reasons: 1) More than thirty hours have passed since that piece was published. 2) This addendum was largely prompted by the responses and reflections I received after sharing the third chapter. Therefore, I am presenting it here as a standalone note.

My Mother, in a temple in Varanasi.
"Buddham Saranam Gacchami".
Photograph taken on 1 October 2019.

Questions and Responses

After publishing the third chapter yesterday, I received a few questions and comments. Here, I will try to address some of them. I hope this addendum will strengthen the earlier text and serve as a bridge between the third and fourth chapters. For obvious reasons, I shall not mention the names of the questioners or commentators, but focus solely on the subject matter.

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Question: In the third chapter, you wrote about your doubts and lack of belief. Are you performing these rites sincerely and respectfully?

Answer: Yes. Today is the twelfth day since my Mother passed away. All the rituals up to this point I have tried to perform properly, following the Vedic customs as best I can. I have also attempted to remain contemplative and attentive — to act with awareness and feeling.

Question: On one hand, you say you don't believe. On the other, you're observing mourning rituals, making offerings, and so on. I don't understand this.

Answer: It was never my aim — nor is it now — to criticise religious ceremonies, traditions, or customs. Yet to believe in something blindly, without comprehension or true feeling, or to imitate belief for its own sake, or — worst of all — to impose this hollow belief on others, makes me feel a kind of unease. I am not drawn to such behaviour.

Question: Your financial situation is not very good at the moment. Even so, you are organising quite an elaborate ceremony and inviting around seventy people. Why?

Answer: Your observation about my finances is accurate. Including relatives, friends, and neighbours, I expect roughly seventy guests. If there is heavy rain tomorrow or any unforeseen difficulty, that number may be smaller.

The ceremony itself is taking place at a temple. Vegetarian food will be served. I have invited my Mother's and my own close acquaintances. It has sometimes happened that I invited a neighbour who was very dear to my Mother, and realised that not inviting another woman in the adjacent house — who shared the same warmth and knew both of us — would look discourteous. For reasons like this, the guest list grew a little.

Over the last twelve days, every decision I have made around the ceremony has been weighed carefully in the light of what I can afford.

More Than You Asked For

Coming back to the question of "belief." I wouldn't say I identify my outlook simply as disbelief. In Rabindranath Tagore's poem "Prārthanātīta Dāna" (The Gift Beyond Asking), the final lines go—

The Nawab said, "O brave one,

I bear no anger toward you—

Only grant me one favour:

Cut away the braid and leave it with me."

Taru Singh replied, "Your kindness

Has touched my heart—

I will give you more than you asked for,

Along with the braid, my head itself."

I could certainly offer my "belief," even if it were hollow or unexamined. But to me, perhaps, there is a greater gift I can give — curiosity — enthusiasm — a sense of inquiry. I remain profoundly interested in life and its nature. So I too shall "give more than you asked for" — my belief, mingled with enthusiastic curiosity.

Reason Above Rule

Over these twelve days, I have heard and followed several rules. Again and again, I have felt that understanding the reason matters more than simply following a rule. Or at least, it is best when a rule is joined to its reason.

Let me give an example. During the days of mourning, before taking my afternoon meal, I had to set aside a portion for the crows. Only after that could I eat. Now that the Śrāddha will be complete, I am no longer required to feed them. Nor have I heard of any prohibition against continuing. For several days I noticed that when I stepped onto the terrace with food, a few crows would quickly arrive — almost as if they were waiting. I feel I have my own reason to keep this custom alive a little longer.

A rule only tells you what to do. When you understand the reason, you may find yourself carrying it out with greater ease, spontaneity and sincerity.

Food placed for the crows before the midday meal.
Photograph taken on the ninth day of mourning, 4 August 2025.

Here I end this addendum to the third chapter. Today, 7 August 2025 (21 Shravan 1432), I completed the ghatakaj (ritualistic water rites). Tomorrow is the Śrāddha ceremony. In the next chapter, I hope to write about these two days in detail.

Charaiveti.

স্বপ্না দত্ত, আমার মা (Swapna Dutta, my Mother)

• ● বাংলায় পড়ুন: প্রথম অধ্যায়, দ্বিতীয় অধ্যায়, তৃতীয় অধ্যায় (সংযোজন), চতুর্থ অধ্যায় (প্রথম পরিচ্ছেদ, দ্বিতীয় পরিচ্ছেদ, তৃতীয় পরিচ্ছেদ)
• ● Read in English: First Chapter, Second Chapter, Third Chapter (Addendum), Fourth Chapter (Part I, Part II, Part III)

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